A Modest Proposal to Correct the Heinous Transgressions of Modern Youths and Reform them to a Desirable State of Social Harmony and Conformity It is a melancholy object for those of civilized temperaments who travel through the bastions of today’s youth, our schools, bedrooms and disco facilities, and are forced to behold the disagreeable sight of raucous, wayward and often inappropriate pursuits of a most impressionable and hedonistic younger generation. Sex. Drugs. Rap and Rock and Roll. These are the ideals the present, more primitive, generation upholds and follows. A civilized man in any one of our great cities need only walk a paltry few meters in any direction before he finds himself face to face with root of the problem. The mélange of the liberal media, the internet and pop culture sickens and anguishes us all through its rampant corruption of what is ours to train and proselytize.
I think it is agreed by all of us guardians that the current multitudes of depraved, untrained and indifferent youth running free, is in combination with the current pitiful and repulsive state of the world today (thanks to our ignorant forefathers), a very great and additional cause for alarm; And therefore, who ever could divine a solution to such a catastrophe of lost control over our youth would be highly regarded by all as the saviour of our entire species. For it is a common knowledge and belief that the ‘children are our future’, and though there have been many youthful misinterpretations of this fact, (the future is the important term, not the children necessarily) it cannot be denied that anyone who isolates and protects our own future against all harm would be the greatest benefactor the world has ever known.
But my intention is far too beneficial to merely provide guidance and training to only the under age youth of the world: it is of far greater scope and breadth and will take into firm hand every single moral deviant of the human race, including rebellious adults who, while not possessing the innate depravity of youth, still exhibit enough mental aberration to warrant repeated attention.
As to my own part, having devoted long and studious years to this most daunting and critical issue along with careful consideration towards the schemes of my contemporaries have decided that present ideas are altogether ineffective, misguided, or both. It is true that an average youth, being a student, will spend on average the sum of seven hours daily imbibing the instruction of knowledge that we have prescribed; Average students are reliably proven to have completed their term of training to a more or less unsatisfactory standard, thus I propose to introduce them to a completely novel and ingenious method of instruction whereby they shall become in mind and body a proud accomplishment of social engineering that shall be the marvel of their doting parents and the green envies of all others. They shall be the true generation X; X-ceedingly conforming to our worthy goals, Loyal X-pedients for our enlightened agendas and a true reflection of their forefathers’ advanced social, religious and political X-cellence.
There is likewise another astounding benefit to my proposal, that it will cause to cease the lamentably numerous and frequent uprisings of youthful stupidity against our wonderful political and social establishments all over the world. Alas and alack! Too multitudinous are the occasions where we have had to expend valuable national resources to crush such rebellion under the fists of our righteous rage. Do they not understand the annoyance and bother they cause us? Are they not ashamed to even look into our all seeking eyes after such blasphemy? No matter the answers, for my proposal will expediently ensure the answers are acceptably deferent.
The number of potential threats is accounted to be in excess of 1.2 billion ripe souls, not including the extant figure of poorly trained adults, which constitute, alarmingly, the largest population of its type ever seen upon our Earth; a fact that further highlights the exigency of our situation. Returning to the figures, one can assume that fully a third of these – 0.4 billion, have already firmly habituated to the firm limbs of our control, through myriad means that I will not discuss in the interest of brevity. Thus this leaves more than 0.8 billion undesirables, who will become the core target of my initiative. These subjects will, at a median age of 16-18, pose their first real threat to the rightful establishment, due to the development of core physical and mental expedients for reckless non conformity at this age. However to be safe I must lower this range to 10-11, upon the advice of a capital gentleman from the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea, who has undertaken extensive study and experiment into such diversions of the human psyche.
I am assured by our illustrious leaders and statesmen that such a large population of errant pre pubescent children and adults would be impossible to maintain at existing indoctrination facilities, and thus these unfortunates would be denied the glorious opportunity of becoming model citizens offered to all of us in the past.
I shall now therefore humbly propose my own thoughts, which I hope will not be liable to the least objection.
I have been assured by a very knowing American gentleman, currently residing in a madrasah near Kabul, that a young man or woman, of the exact age range clarified above, would, after completing a stipulated course of daily internal focus seminaries over a period of years will eventually exit the course with the entire weight of his or her instructed impressed into every cell of their body; And thus, through the responsible and beneficial use of such instruction, divergent youth the world over may be transformed into devoted, efficient, upstanding products of society, to live for ever more in blissful peace and unity.
I do therefore humbly offer that, of the 0.8 billion subjects previously calculated, 10 million will be immediately isolated and utilized to test the ‘limitation parameters’ of such an educational endeavour; namely through finding the pain bearing capacities of the average pre-teen and the propensity for mental degradation while under the auspices of the program. Once a satisfactory balance has been found for instructional obedience and graduation rate, the remaining 790 million subjects will be transported, at government cost, to proselytization centres most probably located in Canada, Australia, The Ross Ice Shelf and The Arctic which are chosen chiefly for their relative international insignificance, thus allowing the inmates to be safely isolated from civilization.
The program syllabus will eventually target the primary mental defects of today’s youth: a propensity to be distracted by inadvisable passions and a need to fill the mind with blasphemy.
Every inmate will be assigned a separate cubicle of 2 metre square with a viewing portal to view lessons; In this way any social, religious, mental or sexual bias will be eliminated as subjects are isolated from each other, curbing any rising of passions. In place of previous, useless instruction, inmates will undergo a continuous course of ‘focus optimization activities’ in which they will hone their abilities to direct their attention upon a single focus for extended periods of time – an X-tremely useful talent in the future lives of our “Gen X-ers” and one that will be X-ceedingly difficult considering the multitasking, timewasting habits we have seen in this generation so far. At this point in the program, the inmates’ owner-government will play an extremely critical role in their education. I have included this due to the fact that; as it is the respective governments of the world who will pay for this most excellent education, it is only fitting that they play an integral role in the shaping of young minds. A fundamental aspect of the ‘focus optimization activities’; will involve starting at an image for hours on end, and attempting to memorise every detail of its composition. The government will secure its interests here by deciding the image of the dictator, pariah or supreme leader of choice to place before the children’s eyes for the duration of their stay. I have already begun accepting requests for this involvement from various candidate leaders including George Bush, Hu Jintao and of course Kim Jon Il. Through these initiatives, governments will be ensured a population of dedicated social proxies that know only what they must to lead happy, socially fulfilling lives.
A very worthy person, a true lover of humanity and our societies, and whose cardinal virtues I highly esteem, was lately kind enough to offer an added embellishment upon my scheme. He reasoned that due to the advanced requirements of such an initiative as mine upon weaker minds among the pool of inmates that a certain number of inmates would regrettably be unable to digest the universal truths of our instruction, and would subsequently succumb to madness. To guard against any waste of human potential, my colleague suggested I collect such failures and set them to manage the daily menial duties so important to any facility in inhospitable climes. As labourers and cleaners, they would serve an important part in the advancement of their fellow brothers and sisters in their cubicles, and thus would help the advance of humanity. My colleague suggested that, as a further benefit, they could be allowed to breed and produce litters of similarly retarded offspring, providing the facilities with an inexhaustible supply of free and useful labour. Unfortunately, however, with the due deference to so excellent a friend, and so deserving a global citizen, I cannot acquiesce to his suggestions, but, as to the mentally damaged labourers, as my American friend assures me from frequent experience, that their disabled work is simply not worth the price of their sustenance and rags. And besides, it is not irrational to believe that some persons of questionable credibility and motive may be apt to decry such a practise, for the insufficient and false justification that it is a little bordering upon a restriction of individual freedoms, brainwashing even! Though shocked and repelled by such sensationalist claims, I must agree that such an embellishment may not be in the best interest of my proposal.
I have too long digressed, and therefore ill return to the matter at hand. I believe full-heartedly that the advantaged of my proposition are numerous and prodigious, as well as of the highest importance.
Firstly, it would greatly improve the lamentable mental and social condition of today’s youth, a worthy goal that has been called for repeatedly in the past by almost every government.
Secondly it would prodigiously reduce the frequencies of violent insurrection and rebellion erupting all over the world today. Demonstrations and uprisings like that organised in recent weeks by Burmese monks against their lawful and just government will simply cease to occur after the implementation, especially regarding the fact that most protesters are the subjects of my proposal.
Thirdly, current divisive social, political and religious barriers would be removed from global society, allowing everyone to lead a life of equal opportunity and outcome in the near future. The present world filled with inequality, discrimination and rife would be replaced by an idealistic utopia of fairness and justice.
Fourthly this very modest proposal would ensure free, high quality education for every needy youth on the face of the planet, fully preparing a generation of children to a new and brighter future with the valuable knowledge they would gain through my initiative.
Fifthly and finally the current , it would ensure the future progress of governments and nations upon the willing backs of devoted, supportive citizens, all educated by my proposal to fully endorse and aid their government’s actions. A new age of peace, harmony and tranquillity will ensue with the initiative of this proposal.
Many other advantages can be seen through the implementation of this proposal. Namely the addition of a new industry to the nations of Australia and Canada, who will host the facilities for my proposal, which might increase their political power and influence over the next few years as the benefits of the education become known. Furthermore, the plague of street children and child gangs in many nations in Africa and Europe will be removed as the perpetrators of these social blights, today’s youth, are shipped off for re-instruction. However, these and many others I omit, being observant of word economy.
I can think of no one objection that could be raised against this proposal, unless it is that the intellectual freedom of our youths be severely reduced by it. This I freely admit, and indeed it was one of my principle motives to write this proposal. For it is the intellectual freedom of our youths which causes them to commit such crimes and partake in such hedonism like we see today, there is plenty of opportunity to gain intellectual freedom once they have finished proper training and are loyal members of society, when they are rash youths no longer. Therefore, let no man talk to me of other so called expedients: of treating the youth of our world with a degree of tenderness and respect for human life: of protecting socially endangered youths in many nations who do not have direct parental guidance to curb them: Of acting proactively to engage youth in the workings and knowledge of government, inspiring them to become great future leaders, instead of showing them scandal after scandal of irresponsible, uncaring government: Of teaching with a view for diversity and intellectual curiosity, ensuring that the educational system is defined by the student, and not the other way round: Of responding with harsh and damning force when hostiles in any nation or place violate the inalienable rights of the innocent child to safety and shelter: Of attempting to understand the ways of the young and their interests in place of merely condemning them as so much useless nonsense and acting upon such biased judgements: And lastly of instilling an awareness of long-sightedness, honesty and humanitarianism in the politicians of the world, half of whom would if given the chance classify every man woman and child’s importance in every nation based on the number of votes influenced or given, while the other half would simply give importance to citizens based upon the personal gain to be glean from it.
Therefore I repeat again let no man blather about such expedients within my hearing, unless he honestly has some measure of confidence that they would ever be followed or undertaken by any individual, nation, government or leader.
I profess in the due sincerity of my heart that I have no ulterior motive in promoting this proposal, as I myself have long passed the age of youth and old age both, and thus have no stake in any initiative regarding the education of youth, or the advance of a society and a world I will very soon be leaving.
